I was walking across the street from the bus stop when I realized loss evolves. The anger I once had and the way I rationalized last year's events no longer exist. It isn't about what happened to me any more.
In the beginning, I carried the feeling of loss and of being victimized. And I tried to understand why I lost my daughter. I justified it, saying it had to happen to make me a better mother, which sounds ridiculous now. This event appropriated the importance of things by showing what is not worth sacrificing. Looking back on this, I feel guilty.
I only feel loss now. I walk around empty and deflated without trying to stamp a reason for it. No matter why or how, she is gone. I frequently wonder if I made the right decision. It's something that happens when I catch the date and calculate how old she would be. There is no right answer when it comes to TFMR. It's a decision made for the welfare of your child, but it does not have defined wrong/right boundaries. It's your best choice made from the worst circumstance and you mourn your decision and you grieve for your loss because you lost your baby.
I used to think having another baby would help relieve my pain and though I still believe it will help, it will not make up for my loss. I have been TTC since the return of my cycle and a part of me gets sad thinking about conceiving a healthy baby because that child will have the life my daughter deserved. She will never experience a life with her parents. She will never learn what sounds or tastes make her smile. She'll never know what it's like to wait on Christmas day for presents or what snow feels like when it falls on her face. And so TTC is a painful process because as much as I want another baby, I think about the little person who should be with me now waiting impatiently for a brother or sister.
I try to keep these feelings from peaking, but it's difficult. I can only keep my momentum forward, hoping to maneuver physically what cannot be done emotionally.
