December and Dealing with the Holidays

I started this entry so long ago, but didn't have the energy at the time to finish or post it.  I have never experienced a loss like this before.  It affects my commitment and intention.  Writing often feels like a task and I have little volition to push forward.  I recognize how much I've given up, but today's goal is to get through one post no matter how unfinished it is ...

As expected, December was a very difficult time for me.  I love Christmas, but looked forward to it more when I found out I was pregnant.  A tree with baby gifts underneath.  A cozy family spending a happy day watching holiday films.  That is what I imagined when my doctor confirmed my due date. A December baby having a December baby, I was thrilled.  But instead, we were a sad family reminded of our loss at every turn.  That is why this year's holidays weren't festive and made my own birthday heartbreaking.  Friends and family only added to it.

They littered my mailbox with holiday cards of their children.  The older children were more favorable compared to the photos of toddlers and babies I received.  The latter brought me to hysterics, but both made me angry because I couldn't understand why friends and family would think it was appropriate to give a grieving mother difficult reminders so near her own baby's birthday and so close to her loss. Their insensitivity dismissed my daughter, which hurt and offended me.  But it also made me feel uncared for.

As the days from December accumulated and put more space between it and me, I noticed I was experiencing more better days than none.  I could speak to my daughter without overwhelming sadness and I started believing she would return to me.  Renewed confidence and optimism didn't help me heal, but it enabled me to look beyond the missing piece lost in August.   My bad days revolved around the end of my cycle when my body confirmed I wasn't pregnant, but I quickly recovered finding hope in my next cycle.  I thought her soul would somehow come home to me.

This cycle has been different though and I don't know why.  It has been almost a year since conceiving Nahuatl and it has been almost 6 cycles since trying to conceive another baby. I'm sure the weight of both are contributing to how hopeless and lost I feel today, though I can't assert that either reason yielded my relapse.  Right now I need to hear positive comments from mothers who lost their children late in pregnancy.  I really need to hear words that will support me.