Walking a Non-Linear Line

Last week was bad.  I was all over the place.  It started by going to the doctor for a follow up visit. I had a mixture of emotions seeing my uterus on the ultrasound and speaking to the doctor about when I have clearance to conceive.  Not seeing a little bub was difficult to come to terms with. And I felt guilty asking when my husband and I could try again.   If it weren't for my age and where I am in my life, timing wouldn't be so important.  I waited so long to start a family I don't have the luxury to put my fertility on the back burner (especially since I had concerns when trying for Nahuatl - and I am almost a year older now).  But I can't help but feel like I'm minimizing Nahuatl's time on earth thinking about another baby.  And as I went from grief to this guilt, fear began to grow.  Fear that I would never conceive again.  Fear that I would never have a healthy baby.  

In my mind, my eggs are old and grey like the strands that creep through my hair.  I have a 1% chance that a chromosomal abnormality could happen again after having one trisomy event, but I need a professional to make me feel silly and give me hope.  Someone to tell me my age does not mark the end of my fertility and someone to make me see the 99% chance of having a healthy child.  That is the only way to control my anxiety.  So I made an appointment to speak to an OB/GYN about my egg count and quality.

I've also decided to take a year off from school.  Not only for financial reasons or to heal emotionally, but to find personal forgiveness.  The medical community does not know definitively why chromosomal defects occur.  My therapist assures me they are flukes and that I did nothing to make it happen.  But I can't help feel responsible.  That not having children earlier and letting myself live an unbalanced life did something to my egg.  School always came first.  It had precedence over my health.  My marriage.  My family.  And my baby.  Up late when I should have been in bed.  On campus when I should have been resting.  I pushed myself to study more, to sacrifice more, I let the stress overtake me.  And this loss has made me regret living like that.  Time that I can't get back and events that cannot be erased.  So I am going to spend this time finding peace and eliminating personal stress.  I am taking a meditation and relaxation yoga class in September to help. 

I made a promise to Nahuatl.  I told her I will never choose school over my babies.  I still want to pursue my goals and I will, but not in a way that sacrifices my health or relationships.  I will work my goals around my family not my family around my goals.  And I will never break that promise to her.