A 360 Degree Turn

The last couple days I have been keeping myself busy by going to work with my husband.  He works for a delivery company so we're on the road for most the day jumping from location to location delivering books. Normally I don't like leaving the house, but it's good going with my husband because I've been in a strange mood the last few days.  I've been abnormally calm (almost sedated). I'm not upset, but I'm not happy either.  There is this empty feeling that becomes somewhat oppressive by the middle of the day and my mind begins obsessing over what happened and wanting another baby.  It's overwhelming when I'm alone and so I think I have to keep myself busy so I don't turn catatonic.  It's not that my thoughts disappear when I'm involved with something, but I'm able to control how much they affect me when I am. And right now I'm trying to manage my mood naturally.  My therapist wants me on anti-depressants because she thinks my history suggests a biological predisposition to depression, but I would rather try alternative routes as I believe my state to be situational.  Who wouldn't crawl into his/her mind after the death of a much desired baby?

It has been difficult staying active though.  As much as I need to get involved, I have to push myself to do anything because everything feels like bullshit. Socializing, reading, hiking, working out, knitting, tackling and reinventing gourmet recipes, all the things I used to do feels like manure.  But I've been managing a few activities on the days I am not with my husband.  I have been running/walking or riding the stationary bike while watching old favorite movies.  I can't push myself to knit anything because my last project was a blanket for Nahuatl, but I have been searching for sewing patterns.  I'm curious about making my own clothes and I think easy designs will help reclaim an interest in being creative.  When I was younger I wanted to be a fashion designer, but I didn't get into one of my choice schools and I opted for plan B.  So it would be nice to revisit who I was when I was 17 especially having gravitated so far from that person.

Sometimes I wonder if Nahuatl's condition and the choice I made for her had to happen because I was going in the wrong direction as an individual.  It sounds heliocentric, but I mean that with regards to how I was mistreating people.  Making my goals a top priority at any cost sacrificed many relationships and so I can't help but think that cosmos or whatever is out there is redirecting me for a future benefit.  Perhaps this was needed to make me evaluate and grade parts of my life I've ben neglecting.  Not to trash my goals, but to make decisions about who and what is more important so that I change the way I work toward them. Was this to balance me out so that I can be a better mom, wife, daughter, friend, and doctor?

Or maybe it's all random and this is just me rationalizing to cope with something bad that happened. But trying to make sense of it and rediscovering certain interests does provide a sense of renewal. Like a second chance to be better or make things right.