The First Step is Always the Hardest

Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer. - William S. Burroughs

I think the body heals faster than the mind.  I had clearance to resume normal activity 2 weeks after the procedure, but I had incredible reservations.  I was worried about my health and I wasn't sure what level of activity would be pushing it.  My endometrial lining was still healing and my nutrition had been compromised by how hard the pregnancy was.  So even with my doctor's evaluation, I was concerned about what resources I could spare on exercising. But I've coaxed myself into at least one routine each day and I think it has been beneficial on all levels.  There is one activity I've been having a difficult time with though.


My doctor didn't identify all the things I could jump back into, but sex was included from the few she named and it has not been easy.  Sex is a trigger.  It represents Nahuatl and what surgeons did to her. Allowing anyone to be where she last was feels debasing.  Sex makes me hypersensitive and aware of how different I am now that this happened.  And it makes me feel as if I am doing something wrong by trying to return to normalcy. It also means attempting to conceive again knowing that another trisomy event could occur and I don't know if I could cope if it did.

I've read on several support forums the right time to try again is when your desire for another baby outweighs your fear.  Taking my age into consideration and how much my body aches for the baby I lost, I don't know if I want to wait for that to happen.  It's cruel to think I can replace one life with another, but having a second will not only give me the baby I have wanted for years, it will also help me get through losing my daughter.  But I'm still scared.  That one percent feeds my apprehension. Though my perspective on livelihood with regards to trisomy conditions and my views on what I believe is the best choice for my child have not changed, I don't know if I could make the same decision again. And that concerns me because I don't think it's fair to a baby.  So my mind is twisted over what I want to do and what I think I should do.  Luckily my period hasn't returned yet.  Nature has provided time for silence.