I told my therapist the feeling of losing a baby won't go away. It's always with me no matter what I'm doing. When I'm brushing my teeth, when I'm cleaning my house, when I'm on the bus, I'm always thinking about her. I wonder if she had a head full of hair like me. If she looked more like my husband or had my grandfather's eyes. I imagine myself kissing her little belly and I can see her wearing diapers with her long legs from my ultrasounds coming out of them. And when I catch sight of my husband's hands, I think about how she had the same ones.
But for some reason there are certain tasks I can get lost in. I search for memorial pendants and patron saint medallions (though I am not religious). I scour Etsy and Ebay looking for the right ones. Meaningful necklaces with the perfect pendant or collection of pendants tied to babies and infants who were lost in pregnancy or after, as well as patron saints of children. If I focus my attention on searching for and buying these items, I feel better about life. Even with a limited income I can't stop. It gives me peace.
And I can't help but think of the trailer to The Rabbit Hole when I do these things, a film about a couple who lost their child. In one of the scenes the mother asked if it (the pain) ever went away. The person she was speaking with said no, but that it eventually becomes bearable. I think that's what I am waiting for. And that things like photoshopping Nahuatl's handprints and footprints for family and ordering prints of her ultrasounds so I can hang them up help me in the interim. So even though I can't explain why buying a necklace makes me feel okay, it's something I can hold onto until life is bearable again.
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